Benchmark of Nothing

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So this is the big secret fic I've been stealthily working on *eye roll*. Um, I wrote an episode of the Bagenders. And since I know very little about GB, this installment has them moving to the US of A. I hope fans of the original series enjoy this spin off. My writing style isn't really the same at all as Random Dent/Flatmate and Lady Alyssa, but I hope it's slightly funny anyway. If you never read the Original I highly recommend it. The original site is more or less in the toilet but I managed to scrape them together and archive them here.
I apologise for any continuity errors between my fic and the old series, but no, I will not fix them. I apologize for glaring errors in...idiomatic...cultural...whatever. I can't fix those either. I also apologize for any Legalocentricity. I just lurve him.
If you don't feel like prerequisite reading or you have read the original but have lost all memory of it due to binge drinking, binge binging, or binge bowling (pins to the head good for amnesia I hear), here's a brief, and possibly inaccurate synopsis: The Fellowship were granted eternal life as a reward for saving Middle Earth (except for Boromir since he died before they did most of the really heroic stuff, but he comes to visit now and then). So it's just them and the elves (who already live forever so it wasn't much of a reward for Legolas, bloody Valar) and the rest of us oblivious humans. They've gone their separate ways at times but they always end up back together, and for the better part of the last decade they were sharing a cramped flat in the North of England working blue collar jobs, getting arrested, committed, hit by buses, avoiding ex's and in-laws, and getting drunk at Elrond's karaoke parties. Aragorn and Arwen split up ages ago but she keeps in touch just enough to keep Aragorn bitchy. Legolas has been pushing a refreshment trolly on the train and swatting away fawning girls while maintaining a fragile grip on his elfish dignity. Merry and Pippin have employed themselves as people who get fired from jobs, Frodo is mentally unstable, and Sam takes care of Frodo and the garden. Gandalf is a drunken old codger, and Gimli works nights to avoid the rest of them. Not too long ago, while digging through Pippin's extensive collection of pornography, Legolas discovered some rather old and bawdy doodles penned by none other than Leonardo "Arse Grabber" DaVinci which he sold for a tidy profit. He used this windfall to buy the fellowship a new, spacious home with a relaxing room all to himself with a little motorized waterfall on the desk and some of those nice bamboo drawings on the walls. Aside from the odd existential crisis and the occasional fireball in the kitchen, their lives seemed destined to settle down a bit after that....

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So the snow is melting, it was gorgeous out today. I stepped out my front door and took in a lungful of the first fresh spring breeze. But all was not right. Under the crisp spring air I detected notes of, um, gross. I looked down, and saw, right by my front door step, behind my arborvitae, a big gray squirrel had crawled, posed and grimaced like a Shakespearian stage actor, and snuffed it. He was sort of flattened too, compressed by the snow no doubt, preserved for who knows how long this winter...I kind of regret not taking a picture of him before I scooped him up into a bag and put him in the trash. Woulda been hilarious in the middle of my scrap book. Mom, Dad, vacation photos, ticket stubs from concerts, oh and a squashed squirrel.

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This is coming kinda late but it just occurred to me - I have a plethora of awesome LOTR valentines. If you want one, leave me a comment with an address, anonymous or not, and it will make it out post haste...or with hasty post, whichever.

I'm retarded... comments are screened now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Eopei1rBw

OMG and double lmao

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiuOOXe9sTo


Apparently these are a bunch of extremely talented and entertaining musicians who were, unfortunately, wasted on christian rock. But oh well, their youtube videos are funny.

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Gay Bars = Awesome

"...Giordano Bruno, who argued in the 16th century for an infinite universe in which every star is surrounded by its own solar system; he was eventually burned at the stake by the Catholic church for his heretical ideas. The Catholic church under John Paul II eventually apologized for this..."

Religion is evil.

I'm compiling a little list.  Reasons (in brief, I don't feel like writing a diatribe about it) why I don't vote.
1.  Nobody is refereeing.
http://media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2006/03/16/GR2006031600213.gif?elections

Child Named Hitler Has Problem Getting Birthday Cake

1. ok, so you're a white supremist. Ok so you're just plain stupid, you can't possibly be unaware of how the rest of the world outside your little crazy niche feels about hitler and the holocaust. Why would you name your children after something so blatantly offensive to the rst of the world. Unless the kids change their names the minute they're 18 or even younger if they can get a court order to allow it, they'll never be able to go to anything other than a public school, they will not get a job, they will be in mortal danger for as long as tehy carry those names by bitter jews and others who are, frankly, just as messed up in the head as the kids parents, people who would kill to make themselves feel better. point 2. I don't consider Shop-Rite qualified to morally censure the masses, if you don't mind. Why they felt they needed to consult the anti defamation super hero league about a birthday cake makes me roll my eyes back into my head and drool.

Antidepressants are not good for creativity or your sex life, but coming off them is quite good for both.

stupid ewok celebration song

I haven't really been writing lately. I realize there aren't many people who would notice that, but this is more for my own recollection anyway. Haven't posted any writing since I got back on the happy pills actually. I'd like to blame it on that but I don't think it's the whole reason. The other things going on is lately I've been on this rearranging kick. Rearranged the bedroom, living room and kitchen much to my husband's chagrin. Then several weeks ago....we were doing some work around the house (Our house has been in a perpetual state of remodel since we bought it 6 years ago, so when I say work around the house I mean putting up sheet rock and stuff) and I got it in my head that I was going to paint the someday-bedroom on the third floor. It SPIRALED from there and now were just a couple weeks away from finishing that room and moving in. The other bedroom right next door is on the way as well. Then a few weeks ago it hit me like a brick...
I want a baby. NOW.
Finishing those rooms means we have the space for a baby finally which was something we have never had before. There is nothing standing in our way anymore and some kind of ravenous subconscious mommy-beast was released at that realization and I am READY. I talked to the husband about it. He's still giving me that same terrified look he gave me when I first brought it up 7 and a half years ago. So...I have one little boy trapped in a man's body between me and baby. Not sure what to do about that because I'm chomping at the bit here.
Along with this sudden feeling of "readiness" I have also completely lost all fear of the potential consequences which was something I've clinged to in the last 7 years so that I wouldn't want kids so badly and so that I wouldn't pester Mike. In fact I've been god-damn magnanimious about it. Hardly mentioned it in seven long years. He admitted to me during the conversation that he hasn't put any thought into the subject at all since then, yet he still claims he want's kids "someday". I told my doctor that and she sneered and asked me "How old are you?" I don't care if our kid isn't perfect, I don't care if it means taking a big risk (nothing unusual, just the normal sort of risk of failure, risk of heartbreak that comes with parenting), I don't even care that I haven't been writing. Don't care if I finish a book, I just want to start this, right now.

Not sure how to make that happen though.

And another weird thing...I'm in love with a girl. Not really, but kinda? She's one of those magnetic people that everybody adores for example, she joined facebook and 3 minutes later had 96 friends. But she's sort of like...got a puppy love thing for me too it seems. And that little sliver of lesbian in me (which is getting really twisted up and confused with the ravenous mommy-beast mentioned above) can't stop looking at her cleavage which she ALWAYS leaves hanging out. C'mon, nobody can resist nice jugs.

I'm having a weird year.

my hubby: You don't wanna cuddle?
me: Ok, cuddling is fine.
hubby: You don't wanna get naked?
me: I have a pap smear tomorrow.
hubby: Oh I didn't know you had stuff to do tomorrow.
me: I'm fairly impressed that you have any idea what a pap smear is.
hubby: I don't really know...
me: you wanna know? It's when they put a pipe cleaner in -
hubby: (running away) NO I DON'T WANNA KNOW....

cant seem to rescue myself
http://blip.fm/profile/dredpirateange/blip/795265

the guy that does xkcd did a guest strip for ryan north of dinosaur comics, and omg...

Go to imdb.com and type in the letters "nph" in the search box.

It doesn't hesitate, doesn't even give you a search results page.... lmao.

I've written maybe a page in the last two months. I'd blame antidepressants for stifling me but I think it started before I got back on the pills. Doesn't mean it's not contributing, but...

All of my ongoing projects seem pointless. I haven't had a fleshed out idea for anything new, nor do I want anything new that I can abandon in my story graveyard once again. BLEH. I'm just FLAT and it SUCKS.

I've never had writer's block before. No seriously. Never. This is going on a lot longer than I expected though. No amount of playing games over an over that I can't win is pushing back to the word processor, no amount of being bored or reading unsatisfactory prose is inspiring me. I wrote a poem the other day. Me. a POEM. I dont write poetry. I hate poetry.

sigh.....